TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully outside of put. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Indeed, certain, let us have A different area the place American Guys can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: supply Every person a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It's that he should really halt working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the venture, replied, "You know, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from space, a feature being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after getting the making's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where guests could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Not sure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where by's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is presently attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount can even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD might have transform-down assistance."


Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk Trump Tower Damascus has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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